fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
You Might Also Like
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it