Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Passwords are more important than ever.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra