Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

I am absolutely never leaving this website

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.