Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
You Might Also Like
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day