Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
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me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Yup
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.