Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

Yup

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

Godspeed, John Glenn

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

Everyone’s family