Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”