{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
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What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo