Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

When your man makes a valid point

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

I love you…

…r dog.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad