Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

#inspiration #foodforthought

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!