Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

dead inside

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing