favorite tropes as memes
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Netflix and awkward silence?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
it was a valiant fight
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich