Favourite diary entry ever
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.