Favourite diary entry ever
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.