when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
This is me
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness