Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick