FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
