Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

i love meeting boys on tinder

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this