Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody