FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶