FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
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I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again