Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Comparing yourself to others

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.