FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
That was easy.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
*pronounces patio like ratio
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough