FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

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[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.


wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”


The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow


[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity


Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]


Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.


Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require?

Me: Oh! Don’t mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.


The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice