FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
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when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.