Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?