FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
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Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day