Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

real

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them