Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

I’m not stressed

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

😂