FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home