FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.