FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.