FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them