Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*