Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.