Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:

LINCOLN

Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco