FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
asked my bf how work was today
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.