Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?