fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
From Facebook just now…
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!