Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

Jus’ sayin. 😐

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s