Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

Hey I worked for it too!

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.