[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.