Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.