Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

I remember when things only cost an arm.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh