Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

Love it! 👍😂

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

plums roundup