Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.