@TheRolo

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

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@Mr_Kapowski

A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing “The cloak stopped working” to which I responded “OMG you can see me?!”

@WitchyDruss

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

@nickwiger

[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”

@viciousbabydoll

This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

@TheToddWilliams

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

@nachosarah

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

@Darlainky

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

@michaelianblack

I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.