FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
You Might Also Like
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.