A coworker sent me an instant message mistakenly typing “The cloak stopped working” to which I responded “OMG you can see me?!”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”
This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
ME: Sure is beautiful here
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.