FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Autocorrect completely socks
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!