FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
me after drinking all the wine:
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.