Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!