Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.