FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
