Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
me irl
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes