Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….