Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?