“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”
~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.