@TheTweetOfGod

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

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@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

@FeelingEuphoric

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

@bonehugsnirony

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

@iwearaonesie

me:
wife:
me: Do the villains in Scooby Doo know they have the right to remain silent?
wife: GO TO SLEEP

@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@jonnysun

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.