Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
ok hear me out: Luigiana
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun