Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Reporter: *ports again*
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.