Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

Tuesday

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you