Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

My dad is at it again

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall