[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
#NeverForget
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*