Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/CcOzGw5VIAAIctY.mp4

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture