Fear is temporary, laundry is forever

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5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.


*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.


If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?


Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he’s really cute…


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.


BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way


BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*


Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.


I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.