Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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britain’s three elite institutions
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If you love someone, let them sleep.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.