Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

can’t wait til they legalize outside

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!