Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?