@pleatedjeans

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

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@mydmac

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

@bourgeoisalien

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

@Smug_Lemur

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

@dafloydsta

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

@ComedicBust

When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself

@Skullcat

I’ve done some pretty stupid things while I’ve been drunk, but in alcohol’s defense, I’ve done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.

@sageboggs

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

@NotthatAdamWest

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.