Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]

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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.


the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead


Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.


HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.


When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself


I’ve done some pretty stupid things while I’ve been drunk, but in alcohol’s defense, I’ve done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.


It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”


If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.


I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.