Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
You Might Also Like
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The future is now.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.