Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My five year plan is a meteorite
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
A game married people play.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.