Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
You Might Also Like
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“A little help here, Danny?”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?