Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
happy mother’s day❤️
HERE’S MARKY
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.